Will I Ever Get Better? Or Will I Be Sick Forever? Questions From Someone With Chronic Illness.

Some days, you really just don’t feel well, so you just sit there and wonder how you got here.

Will I ever get better?
Or will I be sick forever?

How did I get sick?
Why did I get sick?
When will it end?
Will it end?

When did a week or two of feeling sick turn into years of not feeling well?
When did medication become my lifeline?
Why has my life turned into choosing between dangerous side effects or the turmoil that my body throws at me if I don’t take medication?
Why am I being judged for taking medication?

Why is my life basically a lose – lose situation?
Why do I have constantly have to choose between having fun or feeling well?
Why do I constantly feel hungover without the whole drinking-and-having-fun part?

Why do I see doctors more than I see my friends?
Why did my friends disappear once I got sick?
Am I not worth being around because I’m sick?
Do I remind others of their mortality? Is why people are afraid to talk to me?
Does seeing me sick reinforce the fact that anyone can get sick?
Am I a walking reminder of death?

Why do people not take my conditions seriously?
Why do people with cancer get more support than those with chronic illness?
Am I not worth the funding to have research done so that I can be cured?
Do I not deserve a cure because I’m not dying?
Does no one understand how horrible it is to be diagnosed with something incurable and untreatable?
Is my disease too rare therefore a cure just isn’t profitable enough for research to be done?
Does no one understand how tough it is to wake up every single day and have to live in a body that’s trying to destroy you?
Do you know how hard it is to live in a self destructing body that you can’t escape from?
How do you plan a life when you have no prognosis and have no idea if you’ll get better or continue getting worse?

What happened to all of my hopes and dreams?
Do I put them on hold and wait to get better?
Do I try to achieve them even though I’m sick?
But what if they’re not possible to achieve unless I get better?
Do I just give up?
Do I have to just find a new and more plausible dream?
But what about the days where I just can’t get out of bed?
Am I a failure in the eyes of society even though I’m doing the best that I possibly can?

How did I get sick?
Why did I get sick?
When will it end?
Will it end?

Will I ever get better?
Or will I be sick forever?

Will any of these questions ever have answers?
Probably not.

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The fact that we can wake up and battle our chronic illness day after day means that we do have a future, that we can keep going. It may not be the life that we imagined for ourselves, but it is our life and we have to make the best of it. Some days it is hard, and you do just have to call it a day and try again tomorrow, but the point is to keep trying.

These questions may never have answers but it doesn’t mean that your life is empty nor that you are worthless. We have family and we have friends, we have our chronic illness communities where we all depend on each other and that is more than enough to keep waking up to live for. Life would be very different for those around us if one of us chose to give up and not be here anymore. Your presence, your existence matters, it matters and the world and the people around you would never be the same if you weren’t here.

Life is full of questions and they may never have answers, whether you are sick or not, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t a life worth living. You’ll find out as life goes on. Sometimes you have to let go and take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute or even second by second. Yeah, tomorrow might be a bad day, but tomorrow could be the most amazing day of your life and it’s worth getting to tomorrow to find out.

I’d like to note that these are the collective questions that I’ve asked myself and from what I’ve seen in the chronic illness community. Not every question here does relate to me, but it can relate to someone else which is why they are all included. 

 

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